No News is Good News

I know, I haven’t written in here in forever. It’s just that there isn’t a whole lot to say.

After radiation a scan showed a teeny tiny barely detectable spot on my T12 that they’re going to keep an eye on. Nothing major enough for me to quit taking my Ibrance and Arimidex over since it has shrunk a little bit of my hip tumor.

Blood work looks good (kidneys liver, white and red cell counts)

Pain hasn’t been too bad but I’ve been really tired and my appetite is down. Figuring it’s just side effects of meds but it’s new. Maybe I’ll lose some weight, that’d be cool. I’m way too self conscious about my weight. I will say though, I’d rather be a little bit overweight (150lbs which is the most I’ve ever weighed including pregnancy) than very underweight (my lowest adult weight was 88lbs. Not a good look.) I just wish I could be confident about weighing 150lbs but when I look in the mirror I just see a fat ugly potato. Menopause is rough. I’m not active like I used to be and I eat total garbage. It’s not just a vanity thing, I’m being unhealthy.

Trying to convince Brian and the kids to do family counseling. I am really open with my kids about everything but this cancer stuff is really hard to be totally open about. They know I have cancer but they don’t know how long I’ll be around because nobody does. In all fairness, nobody in this world knows how long they’re going to be living in it.

At my June appointment I will have my tumor markers checked again and set up my next scan. Fingers crossed that Ibrance/Arimidex is still working and doing it’s thing.

This was horrible writing, just trying to keep everyone updated. When I sit and write something I think is really good I write about other things, not cancer and then I get too insecure to share my writing. Especially right now because I’m working on a series of essays about things I’ve been through in my life that not a lot of people know about. Things I feel ashamed about. All stuff from my past. It’s helping me heal but I wouldn’t say it’s helping me let go of the shame and I feel like in order to do that I will probably just need to share them, maybe not publicly but with the people who know me and love me.

I’ve also been knitting. A lot. I might as well just name the blanket I’m working on The Quarantine 2020 Blanket. SO.MANY.SQUARES. I’ve been messing around with all sorts of crafts and art plus reading and writing. Turns out it’s all pretty therapeutic.

Until next time.