Protected: PTSD

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I was really scared

I don’t get how my mind works sometimes. I’ve been dealing with metastatic breast cancer for 15 months now and I’m just now starting to get scared about things. Before now I actually couldn’t relate to the people who talked about “scanxiety” which is really strange because I’m an anxious person in general and it seems like everyone goes through it. The only time I was anxious about the results of my scans were when I was having a lot of migraines and my oncologist wanted to do an MRI of my brain last November. Everything else I’ve been pretty chill about, until this set of scans (I had a nuclear bone scan the week before last and a ct scan on Thursday followed by an appointment with oncology to go over my results).

I don’t know if it’s because I’m coming out of denial about this crappy disease now that it has been over a year since my diagnosis or because the last time I was scanned was back in March and most people are scanned every 3 months or because one of my tumor markers went up a tiny bit even though the other tumor marker went down or if it’s because I lost my first actual person I considered a friend on September 27th to mbc but I’m guessing it’s a combination of all of these things…

In case you don’t want to read all my blabbing, the results were good. There is a tiny bit of progression in my right iliac bone but there’s also recession of some areas in my spine and the front of my skull to where you can hardly see them anymore. Honestly I am so confused about scans and wish they were written in plain English instead of medical jargon. I’ve quit trying to figure them out because when I try it takes me hours of googling and sometimes I still have no idea what the hell they mean. All I know is my oncologist said my Ibrance is still working well and I do not have enough progression to need to go on to my second line of treatment. Basically I’ve had some progression but since I’ve had more recession or shrinkage that means it’s still working? Idk it makes no sense to me why there would be a tiny bit of progression in one area but then shinking in others. I was too tired to have the Dr explain it all to me but I’m thrilled my meds are still working, thank God. I need to start keeping a notebook of questions I have so I can bring it with me every month when I have my appointments. I’m one of the most forgetful people of all time, trust me. So of course I left the cancer center happy but still scared.

I was still scared because I have developed type 2 diabetes and had to have an appointment with a new Dr who specializes in diabetes since the cancer center doesn’t really do that stuff.

I didn’t need to be scared at all. My diabetes Dr is a total badass and so smart and knowledgeable about all of it. She says I don’t need insulin (that was a huge fear of mine) but she added a medication called Janumet XR which is 1000mg of Metformin mixed with 100mg of something called Sitagliptin to take in the morning with all my other stuff. She also has me staying on my other 1000mg XR Metformin that I take at bedtime. Also she solved my abdomen pain that I’ve been afraid of for basically a year. I’ve been freaking out thinking I have cancer in my liver that the scans just aren’t picking up for some reason. All she had to do was look at my ct scan to tell me exactly why I’m having that pain…

Y’all… I’m sorry to be TMI but whatever, it’s literally just because I’m always so constipated from all the different medications I’m on. I don’t have cancer in my liver, I’m literally “full of shit” 🤣

I know I’m supposed to take stool softener otc pills and miralax every day or every other day but it’s just sooo many meds to keep track of. I need an even BIGGER med organizer now I think. She prescribed a laxative to take every morning to “flush myself out” (gross, I know!”) and it works like a charm, the only pain I’m having now is in my bones (duh) and it’s being managed pretty well most days by medication.

My diabetes Dr also ordered me a blood sugar monitor kit and gave me a referral to an opthalmologist because my vision is ridiculous (I’m like a 36yr old 86yr old). She let me know about the importance of eating healthy, taking my meds and getting enough exercise. I have a teleconference appt on the 20th where they’re doing a diabetes education class to really get really in depth and into detail about all of this. She told me a few things like don’t eat any sugars not even diet sodas and if it’s a carb it needs to be wheat or grain (think bread and pasta). She even made me throw away my venti pumpkin spice frapuccino. She’s really strict and you know what? That’s what I NEED right now. Someone to whip me into shape, so I’m thankful.

I know that worry and stress about all of this isn’t healthy but when you have stage 4 cancer it’s basically impossible to never worry or stress yourself out but I’m trying. I’m trying to make myself remember that worrying so much isn’t going to change the results of my scans. I’ll save my stress for when I actually *get* bad news. Way easier said than done but I need to practice mindfulness every day and become hopefully pretty good at it because when I focus on being in the moment I feel so much better.

Now about my friend S (I’m only going to use a letter when talking about my friends in the cancer universe from now on for their privacy and the privacy of their families). Oh, S… We had talked so many times since we met last year and she was on I believe her 3rd line of treatment. She had surgery to have a port placed in her chest (like I used to have) so she could start chemo. The thing about a port placement is you need to wait about 10 days after the surgery so you can be nice and healed before you start chemo. Well, in those 10 days her metastatic breast cancer progressed so damn fast and aggressively that it completely took over her liver. She was put on hospice on September 26 and died in the very early hours of September 27th. It hit me really hard. S was only diagnosed 8 months before I was and although when her cancer was found it had already spread all over her bones she still had the same subtype I am. It just is so scary to be chatting with someone online and everything seems normal and fine (besides having cancer) and then out of nowhere they’re on hospice and a day later they’re gone and you didn’t even get to say goodbye. That’s so rough, I wish I had been able to say goodbye. She was only 28 and had a husband and 2 little boys. I’m heartbroken for them and her death has made reality kind of hit me in the face.

Understandably (I hope) I have been pretty darn depressed and sleeping a lot. I need to find a therapist because nobody knows how long they have left in this world and I don’t want to spend my time being miserable.

That’s about it